Building relationships with children is the easiest way to change behavior. Of course, this task is much easier said than done. The root of the word “relationship” is “relate”. This is where things get sticky. It is impossible to relate to a child with behavioral disorders by asking them their favorite food or color or movie. It is much more than knowing that they like soccer, had pizza for dinner and don’t like their little sister. It’s about truly getting to know them as a child. One must put their behavior and words behind them and focus on the whole child.

Building a relationship and relating with children who are so different than you is not easy. As adults, we enjoy cooking, reading magazines and silence. Kids much prefer a Happy Meal to a Filet Mignon. They think magazines are solely for creating collages in Language Arts class, and they are uncomfortable with silence.

So, how do we relate to these kids? The answer is ever changing. Trust me; I am not expert at this, nor am I even close. I know that middle school boys don’t care about my last tennis match or the fact that Blake and I made homemade sushi. They don’t care about my youngest daughter saying “cheese” for the camera for the first time or that my oldest still cries daily when I drop her off to school.

In order to relate to kids, we have to find out what makes them tick. If it is video games, then learn about the ones they like. Bring in magazines or look on the internet with them and engage in this interest. Look into their eyes, and ask them questions. Learn more than just the name of the game. Ask about the characters, the goal, and the strategy they use when they play it. This allows the student to be the teacher, and it also allows them to see that we (as teachers, parents and adults) do not know everything and we NEED them to teach us. Allowing them to be a leader increases their confidence and takes away their need for a future power struggle. It also gives us the ammo we need to distract them when they begin to meltdown.

Right now, the child I am pouring my heart and soul into is an 8th grade boy who was a gypsy on the streets of a third world country for the first 10 years of his life. By gypsy, I mean he truly wandered without parents or any consistent adult or leader. After this, he was put into an orphanage for 2 years before he was adopted by his American parents. (Side note, how awesome are they for taking on this amazing task and saving this boy’s life?)
Each morning, this young man comes into my room. We are divided by the imaginary wall of language as he speaks very little English. When I speak, he reminds me that he doesn’t know what I am saying. Rather than giving up, I use visuals to communicate. I smile at him. I look into his eyes and tell him I am proud of him, while non-verbally opening my eyes wide with affirmation and giving him a thumbs up so he knows that I am pleased with his presence. I will create a bond with this child before he walks out of my school, this I promise you.

I have been working with him for one month now and his behavior has improved greatly. He was struggling with showing respect for authority figures and following classroom rules. Sure, he works on a behavior contract with me which helps, but I truly feel like the main behavior changer for him is to know he can come to me in the afternoon, and I will do all I can to tell him how proud I am of him. I truly love this child and he knows this.

I am finding a way to relate to him without the use of English language. I know what he likes, and I know what he doesn’t like. He knows that he can come to me when the world around him seems surreal. Can you imagine wandering the unpaved streets of your country day in and day out searching for food and fighting your way through life, and then ending up in a very affluent suburban town outside of Atlanta? Imagine having never stepped foot into a school and then walking into a school with flat screen photo displays on the walls, iPads in classrooms, and necklace microphones on teachers for a more clear delivery of the Dichotomous Key, Algebra, or Southeastern Asian Economics lessons. I would imagine that following directions and respecting said microphone accessory-wearing teachers would be a lot to ask.

After talking to his “dad” the other day, I learned that my little gypsy enjoys talking to me more than his outside therapist. When I asked his dad why he said this, his dad told me that my little gypsy thinks I am “real”. BINGO! My heart melted.

So, relate with these kids. Learn who they are. Learn what motivates them. Let them be leaders. Look them in the eyes. Touch them. Let them feel your love. They thrive on love and consistency. Their behavior has become their crutch to obtain your attention, and they can’t differentiate the positive and negative form of attention. Feed them with positive attention and get to know these kids. They are normal children who have been jaded by their impulsivity that they can’t control without you to teach them. Can you RELATE?