Redefining Normal

No one wants to hear the words “your child has autism, your child has ADHD, your child is depressed…” But the first step into finding the beauty in our overly-adjective-d children is mourning the loss of our expectation of “normal” and redefining normal for our child.

As parents, this is one of the hardest, if not the hardest, step of the whole process. This is true for several reasons. First off, it is new to us. To do anything well takes time and practice, and I think parents of children with disabilities get better and better at that job as time passes. Secondly, we all have dreams of what our children will do with the foundational skills we teach them. When we are pregnant or going through the steps of adoption, we close our eyes and envision our children’s perfect little lives. When we hear that their perfect may not match our visions of perfection for them, we have to mourn that dream. We physically, emotionally and spiritually do mourn this, and until we do, it won’t get better.

Of course, I have not experienced this first hand, but I have been through the process with many of student’s parents. I know what you are thinking, “how has she experienced this when she teaches middle school aged children?” For the most part, my student’s parents know their children have disabilities by the time they come to me, but middle school is also the time where they may plateau in their academics or social growth. The students typically have made some type of progress in school up until this point, and then they hit that ceiling of progression. This is a time where I see parents struggle with abandoning the last remnants of the dream they had for the mainstream version of “normal”. Again, they must mourn, and I try to do all I can to shed positive light on their situation. It is easy for me to see and recognize all of the beauty and positive attribute these children exude. THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL.

So when you hear “your child has Autism”. It is normal to be angry, cry, feel guilty and question the world, question God, question the doctor and cycle through the emotions over and over again. There is no time limit on how long the grieving process may take and it may manifest itself in a variety of ways. After this, it is time to get rolling on redefining your family’s normal.

How often has someone in your life referenced “The All American Family?” Gag me!! What does that even mean? Does that mean that it’s a family with less than a 50% chance of staying married according to the US divorce rate? Or could it be 8.8 years of happily married bliss which is the US marriage length rate? Would the “All American Family” still carry their US average of $15,159 in credit card debt? Do we just throw in 2.5 children (one of which is likely to have some sort of disability), a Golden Retriever, a nice flat front yard and wrap a white picket fence around them and they become this normal “All American Family?” I don’t think so.

So today is the day to start planning and defining YOUR family’s normal. Learn what makes your child tick. Learn what makes him happy. Think back to when you were dreaming your dreams about your child. Did you dream for them to be happy? I am sure you did. Their happy may look different than ours. Embrace their happy. Embrace their normal.

It is ok that your child doesn’t want to play football, but he would rather circle around the fence looking for “treasures”. It’s ok that your daughter would rather sit under the bean bag than on top of it. It is ok that tag on your son’s shirt makes him go off the deep-end. Cut off his tags. It’s ok if you drive by your child’s school playground and your daughter is sitting alone on the black top tracing invisible animals with her index finger instead of playing ‘Red Rover Red Rover’. They have created their normal. Live in their normal with them when you can. Expose them to your normal, while trying to play the role of the parent or teacher they see in their perfect little world.

Until next time my friends…