behavior

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Letting Go of WHY

Summer time has started. I always find it interesting how kids look so forward to summer, and then when it hits, the boredom sinks in within a week. For parents, summer comes with sunshine and happiness and a small dose of juggling new childcare, trying to fill unstructured endless days, bags and baskets of pool gear which typically go unused once actually getting to the kid pool, carloads of smashing and packing to get the family to the beach, goldfish crumbs and watermelon juice on the floorboards and constant Sunscreen Hand. Maybe I am blanket stating, but this is what my summer seems like. Getting past all the hustle and bustle of the relaxing summer is ok, but there is something about summer that makes my personal children behave like they have eaten 10 packs of Skittles for 14 consecutive hours. During the school year, the routine keeps us focused and structured, but once the last bus stop unloads, it’s on baby!

Yesterday, I met a great friend for lunch at Mr. Sushi. Don’t even get me started on that name. The sushi is top-notch, but the name lacks so much creativity. Can you imagine how boring our world would be if we used this same concept for all of our public establishments?  Mr. School, Mrs. Sub Sandwich, Miss. Grocery Store, Mr. Karate Studio, Ms. Movie Theater- ooppps~~ Classic Foster Tangent

Anyway, back to the meat of the conversation. My friend and I got to talking about teenage behavior, sibling competition, and emotional regulation. For some you may be thinking, what a lame lunch topic, but the behavior nerd in me couldn’t get enough. As I listened to my dear friend asking heartfelt and meaningful questions about intervening on his son’s behavior before it was too late, so many things crossed my mind about the complexity of innate reactions and adolescent impulsivity.

Now, I can tell you all the “you-shoulds” and “you-should-nots” you want to hear, but I want to make it clear that letting go of the “why” is not something I have mastered in my own parenting, teaching or being a wife. Now that I have put that out there, let’s move on to a few ways help identify the “why” without asking “why?”.

Let’s set the stage here:

The other night my daughter Lottie was literally out of her mind. I am talking lying on the floor screaming, crying, punching, kicking everything in sight because I took away her Bubble Tape (I am seriously telling the truth here both on the antecedent and the response). I let her attempt to work it out for 10 minutes before my emotional regulation went out the window, I stormed in and yelled “WHY in the world are you acting this way???” This is my own double pet peeve, and I caught myself letting go of my own personal strategies, letting my emotional regulation hit a 5 (this will make more sense by the end of this post) and yelling at my daughter when she was in an incredibly emotional state desperately begging for love, nurture and acceptance. Why did I do this? Because I am human, and even though I was able to spend countless days in my classroom with students in this same or worse emotional state without yelling or asking why, when it was my own personal child, my weakness was exposed, and I lost control.

A few questions to ponder in reflection to this scenario…

  1. Do you think this Lottie knew WHY she was acting that way?
  2. Did I know WHY I was acting that way?
  3. Do you think my yelling and questioning helped her curb the behavior?
  4. Do you think that this was a good teachable moment for her?
  1. No
  2. No
  3. No
  4. No

As humans, we are inquisitive. We desperately want to know why a child chose to punch his classmate rather than telling the teacher the class mate was being mean. We want to know why our husbands and wives can’t love us in the same ways that we love them. We want to know why our kids won’t study and why they don’t care about school. We are never-ending why wonders, but at the end of the day, does why really matter? No, it really doesn’t. What matters is that we teach our children HOW to make better decisions and for adolescence and teens (and even adults) this is something that requires true strategies to break the nature human innate impulsive response.

Step one in this process is to teach our children to be able to identify HOW they feel. Through my observation, I have found the most success with teaching children to emotionally regulate by attaching their feeling to a physical understanding. For example, rather than me telling my 12-year-old, pubescent, impulsive, ornery student that he appears to be getting angry, I gave him something that he can see or feel. “Hey Tommy, I notice that you are pacing and you’re starting to clench your fist. Can we go for a quick walk outside and toss the football?” With this tactic, Tommy can actually feel that he is getting angry without me pointing out to him that he is angry. Once he can identify, he can use an individual strategy to prevent or get back to an appropriate state.

Here is the Emotional Reg Tool I created from the structure of Kari Dunn Buron’s Incredible 5 Point Scale

photo ER

It is important that the child is involved in creating their own Emotional Regulation Tool so that they can own it. The one above is mine, so my physical responses will be different from my 6-year-old daughter’s or my 13-year-old student’s. As with all interventions, if there is no buy in from the child, there is no success. I personally use this tool as a grown adult. I will often yell “I am a 5 right now so I am going for a run! BYE! (insert slamming door here).” I always remind myself that I am human, so I will get to a 5, but it’s important that I don’t stay there long. This hold true with our children as well.

The final component to this would be to tie a tangible reward into the plan reinforcing both staying at a 3 or lower or if the child gets to a 4/5, they appropriately use a strategy to get back below 3. Both are to be rewarded after this is the replacement behavior we want.

This has been a successful strategy for most of my impulsive kids. It works, don’t ask me WHY.

*This emotional regulation tool was generated from the basic structure of The Incredible 5 Point Scale by Kari Dunn Buron http://www.5pointscale.com/ *

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Do You Have an Abacus I Could Borrow?

I have been in education for eight years, and in this short amount of time, I have seen tremendous changes; some for the better, some not so much. As a continuation to my previous post about video games, I am going to address technology in general in school. This is really not about behavior at all. I started teaching about two years before BYOT (Bring Your Own Technology) was a common initiative. I was using T9 text on my flip phone, and I knew of only one person who had this weird gadget called an iPad. It was my friend Natalie Taylor, and I remember reading about it and looking at her picture of it on Facebook , a social media site of which I was still learning to navigate. Fast forward eight years where teachers are using social media to captivate their student’s attention and communicate more efficiently. The text parents videos and resources. They continue school from home when adverse weather hits, and they Facetime students who need a little extra help on their homework. I can’t even tap into the benefits technology has for the advancement of our students with disabilities. That is another whole post, heck it’s another whole blog.

At first, I was undecided on this subject, but with the passing of time, I am 100% behind BYOT and technology in schools. I have sat in countless meetings where the cons of technology in school have been dwelled on and beat to the ground.

Yes, our kids will send a few text messages throughout the day. The mom in me enjoys that because I can stay in touch with my child without bothering the teacher. If my daughter texts me during a bathroom break or while she is at her locker, and she still gets to class on time, what’s the problem to the educator?

Yes, our kids will check their Facebook when they are at school. We live in world where social media is a major player in our game. We just have to monitor, embrace it and use it to our advantage.

I had a nice conversation with my friend Erin the other day. We were talking about school and all of the changes since we were kids. At some point cursive was brought up, and I said that children don’t really learn that in school anymore. Erin was a bit disappointed and shocked by that. This isn’t the first time I have seen/heard that response. Here are the reality- things like cursive and textbooks are simply not relevant in this world we are living in. It would be like teaching a child to dial their parent’s number on a rotary phone, having them find a subtotal at the grocery store with an abacus or having them reference a hard back Encyclopedia for factual information. As technology advances and time goes by, so does educational content. I do believe our children need to know enough cursive to sign their name, but that’s about it. When was the last time that someone asked you to write anything in cursive? When was the last time that someone asked you to write (not type) anything in general? Exactly.

Sure, I get a little sad about the depletion of classic skills like cursive, but the other side of me is enthused that our children will be stronger critical thinkers and problem solvers. When I was in school, student’s educational status was based on the amount and acquisition of factual knowledge. We used to reference the smart kids as “walking Encyclopedias”. The good news for the average or below average kid is that factual knowledge really doesn’t matter anymore. You read that right. Factual knowledge does not matter anymore. Every student has the same access to general information. Google it, right? Average Anne, Below Average Bob and Gifted George could probably all find out when Abe Lincoln was born in exactly the same amount of time. Factual knowledge is no longer an indicator of academic achievement, but it does make for a heck of a Jeopardy contestant.

I was an average student. I worked VERY hard to maintain A’s and B’s. It didn’t come naturally to me. Because I went to school in the age of Oregon Trail, I did have to search for factual information in an encyclopedia. The way school and life are now, is about application of facts and knowledge. It’s about becoming a problem-solver and a critical-thinker. Students learn how to apply knowledge rather than just find and memorize. Our naturally smart kids, below average and average kids all start out on the same playing field. Teachers are teaching children how to use facts to revolutionize. Students are teaching teachers the same thing.

It is hard for me to think that my oldest daughter will likely never use a textbook in her education, and my youngest daughter may not even know what the term textbook means. She will Google it and find out.

I will teach my children to sign their names and write meaningful, handwritten letters rather than emails. I am thankful that those are the simple skills with which I can supplement their education at home. I am even more thankful that my child will go to school and learn to problem-solve, think outside the box and defend her reasoning to show true mastery of content.

ipad

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‘Cause we’re livin’ in a virtual world

Video Games… A subject I have avoided for a long, long, long time. I am fairly torn on the subject because my husband, the love of my life, has a passion for video games. This passion turned into a very specific interest which turned into a very sought-after degree which ultimately led him to job security to the point that when he interviews, employers see that he has a degree in Video Game Design from Full Sail University, and they insist on immediate interviews. So one side of me loves video games, but the teacher in me wishes that video games were still limited to the likes of Tetris and Zelda.

As a parent, I see the value in video games. They keep the child’s interest and give me a few minutes to tidy the house, pay the bills, take the dog out and make some dinner. As a teacher, I see the repercussions.

Here is an example:

A child, let’s call him Video Game Vince, comes home from school after a long day. Stressed and overwhelmed, he logs on to the computer, Play Station, X-Box or whatever new-fangled gadget is trending at the time. Within 10 minutes, he eases into a new world- a world where he is in complete control. A world where children don’t make fun of him or he isn’t the last one picked for kick ball on the playground. A world where if he doesn’t understand the math problem, he isn’t going to have to ask in front of 20 peers. A world where when he is called on in class, and he begins to answer and his voice cracks, his heart won’t drop to his stomach with ridicule. Though he may not always win, he actually has the control of the character in his hands… literally at his fingertips. Real world literally stops and his brain enters into the virtual world. There are no hard fast consequences other than slight disappointment of not beating the “boss” or “dying” in which in both cases, he can just reset and try again. Hours go by but to Vince, it feel like minutes. Mom comes in and invites Vince to the dinner she was able to prepare thanks to the engagement of this fictious world that plays out behind the glass screen. Vince needs just one more minute or he may tragically die. Heavens forbid Vince’s character dies based on mom’s interruption of dinner. Dinner will then be ruined for the whole family by pouting and blame.

So you may be thinking…what is so wrong with this? Doesn’t a child need down time? He seems happy, why would I bother him? Here is my personal answer, and it is solely my opinion. You know what I say about my opinion; it’s worth exactly how much you paid for it.

Kids get too into these games and these worlds. Students come to school underwhelmed by reality because they have spent hours on end in this virtual reality where there are no expectations, no peer pressure or teasing, constant “resets”, violence without consequence, violence with reward and no stress. There has to be a balance. For teachers, it is unfair. The student comes to school and though their lesson is intriguing, well-planned and innovative, their mind is focused solely on the next time they get to grab that control. Teachers incorporate technology to increase engagement, but the technology is boring compared to their “world”. In school, the teacher has the control that the child has been able to literally hold in his hands the night before. The student begins to resent school, leadership, rules, expectation and consequences. These are real life things.

How do we attack this battle between video games and school? My initial answer that I know is easier said than done is balance. Balance is essential in all areas of life. I do not think that parents should take away all use of video games, but I do think there needs to be balance. Children need to earn their game time. This gives them a direct comparison that hard work and accountability in the real world will result in this “break” time where they will be allowed to play games. Parents HAVE to control the types of games children are playing. These games are violent, and they can become a reality for some of our formable children. Play the game yourself or have them play it and describe it to you for 30 minutes before you commit to allowing this to be an appropriate reward for innocent minds.

In defense of the child and the value they hold in these games, set real life visual timers for them. This allows them to not be blindsided when their time is up. I know from experience my husband can play a game for 2 hours and truly in his heart of hearts believes it was 30 minutes. This is no fault of his, but it is simply another indicator of the depth of concentration and loss of reality that goes into these games. The visual timer will allow the child to SEE how much time they have left so they don’t get lost in the time. Communicate upfront with the child on what happens when the timer goes off and you come to get him for dinner, but he is in the middle of a final fight against the “boss”. Decide upfront if there will be wiggle room or if the timer is the timer and when it’s done, you will turn off their game. For the sake of the other participants at the dinner table, I would recommend a little wiggle room. The timer would be more of a transition cue that it’s time to wrap it up.

To summarize, I am not against video games. For a long time, the industry alone has provided for my family. I am against young children playing non-age appropriate games or not limiting the amount of time behind the screen of a non realistic world. Educators experience the repercussion and the child will as well. As is everything in life, it’s all about moderation.

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Hey Bully, I Look Forward to Seeing You at The 15 Year Reunion

In honor of National Bullying Prevention Month, I thought I would write an entry about this epidemic. Honestly, I have no idea where to begin. There are so many roles in bullying, and so little that can truly be done about it. All we can do as parents, adults and teachers is to try to instill empathy into our children. This is the tough part. From my own personal observations, I feel like empathy is lost by nature between the years 3 and 18. Before 3, it is natural, after 18 it is recognizable as a response to situations we have been involved in or witnessed.

I absolutely LOVE the natural, unforced, unscripted empathy I see in 2 years olds. Has anyone else noticed that? There is this little pocket of time between when a child learns to talk to when they learn to be sassy where they show extreme empathy. My daughter, Lilah, is there right now. She is absolutely instinctual with her empathy.

It is inevitable that I run into the corner of my bed at least one time a week, at least. Each time, I hit my thigh in the EXACT same spot and each time hurts just as badly as the time before, sometimes worse depending on the time between the last collision and the current one. Three days ago, just as my previous thigh bruise had dissolved, “boom!” I nailed it again, this time HARD! I immediate fell to the ground in what was for sure an over exaggerated response in order to get out of the nightly bathing of the kids duty, but still, it did hurt.

“OWWWWWWW” I screamed just loud enough for Blake to hear me, but no so loud that it seemed fake.

Blake yelled from downstairs “What happened? I’ll be right up after I kill this boss.” (whatever that means in video game language).

“OWW OWW OWWWW!” I yelled louder in order to make sure he knew I wasn’t going to bathe the kids.

Immediately I hear someone coming up the steps. In my head I thought, “yes, he is coming to the rescue. Run the water!” It wasn’t long before I noticed that the sound I heard coming up the stairs wasn’t 195 pound steps coming up 5 steps at lightning speed, instead it was a step-thump-step-thump-step-thump sound approximately 14 times until I see the sweetest little 25 pounder rushing into my arms asking “mama, ok? mama, ok? hurt you? hurt you? awe awe mama awe.” She did not laugh, she teared up with me, poured her body on mine and wrapped her arms around me in genuine and sincere love and compassion. Now if we could just spread that around the world, we would all be just fine.

Don’t worry, it doesn’t take long for that shining characteristic to become few and far between. I am not saying that children are not prone to natural empathy. In fact, I think people who are empathetic are naturally that way. I think those who are not can learn strategies to be, but that natural instinct can’t be taught.

In my years in the classroom, I found myself drawn to my students with empathy. Sure, I taught the Behavior Intervention Program so it’s safe to say empathy wasn’t pouring out of my classroom, but it was there. I can promise you that. So much of the behavior I worked with was defensive. My kids were 1/2 and 1/2. They didn’t often play the role of the observer (I’ll get into this role later). My kids were either The Bully or The Bullied.

I truly believe That Bullies act out of defense. Often times, they target the children who have similar weaknesses or differences as them because it deflects the negative light from them. For example, let’s say The Bully is a little larger than average, but not fat. They can target someone even bigger than them which gives all of his followers a false sense of average thus taking the light off of his own weaknesses and selfishly using someone even more fragile than himself as his pawn to feel acceptance. This is one of many reasons kids bully. Other reasons include the need to be a leader in a world where they may not quite fit, lack of structure and foundation at home, *(some of the most empathetic children I have ever taught have come from the most broken and unstructured homes), or kids that are told by another bully to bully.

As for The Bullied, these are the kids who are unique, over achievers, quiet, short, fat, scarred, etc. These are the kids who, if they make it through their adolescent and teen years, go onto become our bosses, our presidents, our leaders and humanitarians. They are the kids who have unbreakable confidence to face the most difficult challenges in business, make the biggest sales, and lead worldwide initiatives. These children experience more adversity, silence and fear in their youthful years than human should have to experience, but they go on to move mountains. Parents of The Bullied, hold on tight, love and protect your children, build them up, love them unconditionally because one day, not too far from now, they WILL be ok. They will be better than OK.

Then there is The Observer. Hand’s down one of the trickiest roles to play. In essence, they can do the right thing, and make an adult aware of the situation thus becoming the snitch and the next victim for The Bully or they can remain silent, lose sleep at night over what they saw and didn’t tell, but then be on Team Bully, a team which they have no desire to be on, but are almost forced upon (I know this is a run-on sentence but I didn’t breath when I wrote it, so I felt like it was an excusable grammatical error). I feel for The Observer. People say they are just as much at fault as The Bully, I wholeheartedly disagree. They are a lose-lose position. The way they process it, handle it and the actions they take or do not take will be pivotal in their personal character building.

All in all, Bullying is an epidemic. As teachers, friends, parents and loved ones, there is so little we can do. Because unlike the defiant behavior I typically post about, this behavior is sneaky, not often seen, masked with fear from the victim, not heard or not acted upon because of so many “crying wolves” and overuse of the term. I think the main thing we can do is teach our children as best as we can to be good human beings.

I’ll never forget when I was made aware of being empathetic. Blake and I were headed out to one of our first dates. It was winter of 2006. We got out of the car and started walking hand-in-hand to the movie theater on a Friday night. Just behind us was a sweet little man who was all alone. His head was down, and he looked lonely. I started to cry, I wanted him to go with us. I panicked because I knew Blake was in town to take ME out, not me and the sweet, little stranger. I couldn’t resist asking him to join us, a move that showed him acceptance and compassion. A move that showed Blake who I was before he committed his life to me. A move that hopefully made a difference. Do one thing every day for someone else.

Ultimately, the world will have to naturally become more empathetic before we see major changes. I do think that each one of us can make a difference. We have to listen to our children. For the younger ones, we have to dissect their stories and self-identify what may be bullying. Often kids between the ages of 4-9 have no idea that someone is being bullied or that they are bullying others. If you get a call that you child has been bullying, don’t jump to the defense, rather accept it with appreciation, and teach right from wrong in a world where that area can be so grey.

Advocate for you children and other’s children. Keep the awareness going. Let’s continue to collaborate to extinguish this horrible behavior that has grown exponentially over time.

I am glad to see popular tween artists doing songs like the one below. Thank you Matty B! This is one step in the right direction!

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Fine, You Win!!!… Or Do You?

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I am learning A LOT in my new role as a Special Education Facilitator. For the past 4 years, I have been confined to my precious, little self-contained behavior world. I lived in a world where I work I dressed in an emotion-proof vests and learned to let things totally roll off my shoulder. I can’t tell you how many times I have been told “F@ck You” in response to my everyday “Good Morning”.

Picture this, there I sit on the first preplanning week in my job as an EBD teacher. My walls are covered in inspirational posters and quotes about success strown throughout the room. The bulletin board is decorated perfectly with personal photos of each of my angels and a colorful paisley fabric in the background. Each student is provided with a pass pocket in their cubby as well as a personalized behavior contract and point check book. My standard based lesson plans are neatly placed on my desk underneath a Red Delicious apple, and I am ready to get this show on the road.

And then…the students arrive.

I won’t bore you with the details, but let’s just say I didn’t get to eat the apple. The inspirational quotes and posters became the root of jokes and were altered with Sharpee mustaches and inappropriate speech bubbles. The fabric which was once the background of the bulletin board was ripped off and recycled into a super hero cape. The behavior contracts were transformed into paper airplanes and thrown off the ledge and into the atrium where my principal was having a conversation with another teacher and the lesson plans were procrastinated to the following day…week…year.

Needless to say, I had no idea what I was getting into and ultimately how much I loved my job.

I think that the skill of avoiding a power struggle was one of the hardest skills I had to learn. Think about it, you tell a kid good morning and they look at you with their 12-year-old eyes and tell you to F@@@ off! Nature would tell me to grab his arm and angrily escort him to the principal’s office to hear his unreasonable consequences. He is out of my room for the rest of the day, and he won’t be back to school until his 5 day out of school suspension is served. Boom! I win!

But, the question is, who is really the winner here? Sure, I proved my point to the classmates that I will not be disrespected, but in turn I gave the student the attention he desired as well as a 5 day vacation from school and all of the assignments he wanted to avoid anyway. I am going to say He Won.

I know what you are thinking. We have to demand respect or our society will crumble, and I agree with this. With that being said, avoiding the power struggle is the first step in doing this. When I marched my student down to the principal’s office, I minimized my authority and passed off a teachable moment just to prove a point.

I am not saying to allow students to cuss us out or be disrespectful to us, but I am saying that we should consider our responses to these actions and determine what is the right path to take to truly be the winner. After years in this setting, I have learned that when a student cusses at me, it is not personal. They just need to be taught an appropriate way to communicate.

Now when little Timmy walked into my room and tells me to F@*& off, I take one of three paths.

1. Verbally note that I heard him and in a calm voice ask him to meet me in the break room when he is ready to discuss a better way to communicate with me as well as what in the world went wrong before he walked into my room. This allows him to decompress a bit, think about his actions and communicate with me when he is ready. The calm response shows him that I am listening. The behavior (cussing) will be addressed when he is available to listen and learn from me. It is critical that you are 100% an active listener during this conversation. Focus, listen, ask questions, teach.

2. Completely ignore him and pay full attention to the students who are exhibiting appropriate behavior. When he acts out again in need of attention, I will take the path mentioned above.

3. This response is to be used a more extreme case and definitely has to be done in the right environment. Instantly after Timmy cusses at me, I will calmly take him to a private room with a timer. I will tell him that he is hand’s down the “Best Cusser I’ve Ever Met”. Then I will get the timer and act very excited and then tell him to say as many cuss words as he can in 1 minute. Emphasize how good he is at it, the best in fact. Ready, set, go! As he begins to cuss, catch him on repeats “opps you already said that one”, “come on…you know more than this- go go go! Your time is ticking.” I can almost guarantee that he will be done with words in 10-20 seconds. I know what you are thinking? What does this prove? It proves nothing other than that you aren’t going to let him get you worked up over a few cuss words. It removes the novelty and reaction from the behavior thus making it less exciting for the student. Every time I have done this, the behavior has decreased.

I can’t emphasize how much our reactions to our students and children dictate their behaviors. Think about it like this: A boxer punches his opponent in the head, jugular and side because he gets an immediate response. He knows this is where it hurts thus knocking his opponent’s guard down and allowing him to WIN. Our students, opponents if you will, want to get us where it hurts so that we will react. If we can limit and tone down our reactions, we will WIN.

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Homework is Perfect for the Perfectly Average

This year I took on a new job where I see a totally different perspective of special education. It’s not a bad side or a good side, just a different side. The change has been quite trying, and there are days that I truly don’t want to go to work. Good Grief I have become more honest in my older age. Don’t get me wrong, I have amazing days as well.

That being said, one of the biggest highlights in my new job is the intellectual conversations I get to have with my coworkers. The other day, we were collaborating, and one of them said something that I have been reflecting upon ever since. She said that homework is nonsense. As a group we discussed how cool it would be to have a school or even a school district who piloted a No Homework policy for just one year.

Something I learned right out of the gate in this new position is to hold my tongue until I have given my brain adequate time to reflect, see all sides, internally dialogue and filter my thoughts. There is very little casual conversation in this role and oftentimes, my casual brainstorming can be used a factual guidance. Of course, my casual thoughts are tweaked a bit to be more fitting to the listened ultimate goal. OK that was a random tangent back to the topic. The whole point was I stayed quiet on this statement/idea until I had time to reflect on it and think about where I truly stood on the subject.

After that conversation took place, I reflected on what a school with no homework would look like. Would their scores tank? Would kids fall behind? Would they have time to learn everything they are expected to learn? Would our kids be prepared for college?

In the special education world, we are dealing with overwhelming and rapidly increasing levels of anxiety, OCD, behavior disorders, defiance, refusal, stress-based gastrointestinal issues, etc. When I think of the root of most of these problems, it starts at home. Trust me, this has nothing to do with parenting. Heck, I am a mother of a 5-year-old with unnatural anxiety and fear of separation, so no it’s not parents. The root of most of these anxiety-based issues is the incredible demands that we as a nation are putting on our children.

When I think back to my childhood, I had homework, but I don’t remember a time where I thought I was overwhelmed with it or couldn’t find time to play because I had 3 hours of work to do. The demands on children which ultimately lie on the back of parents and guardians are simply too high. There are a handful of kids who love homework and do it without a fight from their parents. It is natural and something that they intrinsically choose to do. With or without a homework policy, these students will still use their leisure time to learn more, study more and continue to strengthen their personal knowledge.

I would love to see a school adopt a No Homework Policy for one year while heavily encouraging the use of this valuable time to be time for dinner as a family, cooking together, going for walks, playing outside, watching a movie together or any other stress-reliving activity. This would promote both positive parents/children relationships and good health. My guess is that test scores would still remain the same, but the well-being of the children will be much more stable.

I am not sure what homework looks like at your house, but in all of the meetings I have sat it, it has been a major source of anxiety and disconnect in both students and parents. Just the simple step of lugging home 5 binders full of notes and then filtering through what the homework expectation is is enough to start the family time off to a stress-filled start. “Welcome home, get to work.” After 8 hours of learning, rule following and structure, parents and students both need time to simply decompress. I guarantee that the 3 extra hours of route learning, parent-enforced, drill and rep assignments are not moving us as a country to the highest level of academia, rather it is increasing depression, anxiety and disconnect with our students and children. How nice would it be to come home and know that family time will be exactly that- quality time spent together.

I know this will be a controversial blog entry, and I am prepared for that, but understand, it is simply my opinion and it’s worth exactly what you paid for it. 🙂

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Redefining Normal

Redefining Normal

No one wants to hear the words “your child has autism, your child has ADHD, your child is depressed…” But the first step into finding the beauty in our overly-adjective-d children is mourning the loss of our expectation of “normal” and redefining normal for our child.

As parents, this is one of the hardest, if not the hardest, step of the whole process. This is true for several reasons. First off, it is new to us. To do anything well takes time and practice, and I think parents of children with disabilities get better and better at that job as time passes. Secondly, we all have dreams of what our children will do with the foundational skills we teach them. When we are pregnant or going through the steps of adoption, we close our eyes and envision our children’s perfect little lives. When we hear that their perfect may not match our visions of perfection for them, we have to mourn that dream. We physically, emotionally and spiritually do mourn this, and until we do, it won’t get better.

Of course, I have not experienced this first hand, but I have been through the process with many of student’s parents. I know what you are thinking, “how has she experienced this when she teaches middle school aged children?” For the most part, my student’s parents know their children have disabilities by the time they come to me, but middle school is also the time where they may plateau in their academics or social growth. The students typically have made some type of progress in school up until this point, and then they hit that ceiling of progression. This is a time where I see parents struggle with abandoning the last remnants of the dream they had for the mainstream version of “normal”. Again, they must mourn, and I try to do all I can to shed positive light on their situation. It is easy for me to see and recognize all of the beauty and positive attribute these children exude. THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL.

So when you hear “your child has Autism”. It is normal to be angry, cry, feel guilty and question the world, question God, question the doctor and cycle through the emotions over and over again. There is no time limit on how long the grieving process may take and it may manifest itself in a variety of ways. After this, it is time to get rolling on redefining your family’s normal.

How often has someone in your life referenced “The All American Family?” Gag me!! What does that even mean? Does that mean that it’s a family with less than a 50% chance of staying married according to the US divorce rate? Or could it be 8.8 years of happily married bliss which is the US marriage length rate? Would the “All American Family” still carry their US average of $15,159 in credit card debt? Do we just throw in 2.5 children (one of which is likely to have some sort of disability), a Golden Retriever, a nice flat front yard and wrap a white picket fence around them and they become this normal “All American Family?” I don’t think so.

So today is the day to start planning and defining YOUR family’s normal. Learn what makes your child tick. Learn what makes him happy. Think back to when you were dreaming your dreams about your child. Did you dream for them to be happy? I am sure you did. Their happy may look different than ours. Embrace their happy. Embrace their normal.

It is ok that your child doesn’t want to play football, but he would rather circle around the fence looking for “treasures”. It’s ok that your daughter would rather sit under the bean bag than on top of it. It is ok that tag on your son’s shirt makes him go off the deep-end. Cut off his tags. It’s ok if you drive by your child’s school playground and your daughter is sitting alone on the black top tracing invisible animals with her index finger instead of playing ‘Red Rover Red Rover’. They have created their normal. Live in their normal with them when you can. Expose them to your normal, while trying to play the role of the parent or teacher they see in their perfect little world.

Until next time my friends…

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Just Behave and Be Good

How often have you told your child or student to “behave”? How about “be good”? Have you ever asked them, “Why can’t you just behave?” I know I have.

It is such an easy question to ask and the simple command of “behave” is even easier. After all, that covers all of our bases right? I mean it, I said, “behave” you know, “be good.”

Again, I find myself so much better at avoiding this as a teacher than as a parent. I know all my parent readers are tired of hearing me say that. Sorry, it’s true. I am constantly working on my carry over from the teacher to the mother role, but it is definitely still a noted weakness.

So, some of you may be thinking, “what’s wrong with telling our children to behave?” Let’s do a little exercise. Without over thinking it, tell yourself what it means to behave; say it out loud if that is easier. Now, ask the closest adult you to also define what it means to behave. Now, ask one more adult. Do your answers match? I am sure they are similar and run along the lines of following directions, complying with adults, doing what we know is right…Sound about right? Now, I want you to find your child. Ask them what it means to behave. See what they say. Close? Was their answer similar? Did it seem hard for them to answer? Did their answer seem scripted?

I think in most cases, the answers would be yes. Children need specific information when we are trying to form behavior. They do not need grey area. Keep it direct, simple, and black and white.

Behave= Lottie today when you go to school, I want you to focus on listening to your teacher and when she asks you a question, I want you to look at her eyes before you answer.

Behave= Lottie today I want you to use ‘sir’ and ‘maam’ each time you talk to an adult.

This rule also applies to reinforcing good behavior to our children. Compliments need to go farther than just “good job”. When I go to the School Box store and I see all of the stickers, I always dream of inventing one that leaves room to specify exactly what was “Well Done” or what “A+” means.

In short, we must be specific when we talk to our children. We need to give them well described directions. On the other side, we need to specifically reinforce their good efforts, even the small ones.

Good Job= Lottie I love how you stopped running when you saw your little sister today because you know you could have run into her and hurt her. Thank you.

Well Done= Lottie it is so great that you put your plate in the sink without me asking you do. That is a really good decision.

Using more detail in directions and compliments seems easy enough, but something else that we forget it to specifically praise children when they comply a little bit. I know how hard this is when dealing with extreme behaviors. As adults, we are so frustrated and obsessed with what they are doing wrong, we forget to dig and see what they are doing right. For example, when I have a student melting down, they may be telling me to “F-off”, and they may be throwing desks and supplies all around the room. Do they have my blood boiling? You bet they do. It takes all I have to positively reinforce the little things at this point, but this is the point where they need it the most.

Rewarding the Little Things= Timmy is in a full meltdown, cussing and turning the entire room over. Timmy picks up a chair over his head and acts as though he may throw it. Instead of throwing it, he puts it down (loudly of course). “Timmy, thank you so much for putting down the chair. That was a great decision. I am proud of you.”

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Save Your Vocal Cords


Dear Yelling,

I know you far too well. I despise you. You are a direct sign of my impatience and you teach my children nothing. You scare my children.

Love,
Meredith as a Mom

Dear Yelling,

Who are you? I think I have used you twice in seven years and both times you pulled me farther and farther away from my goal of changing behavior in students. You don’t work. You do nothing for me, so I am glad I do not know you well.

Love,
Meredith as a Teacher

It is so interesting and frustrating to me how I use yelling in my day to day life. I NEVER yell at my students. First off, it does no good. If anything, I temporarily scare my students into behaving. I am not teaching them how to behave rather I am setting a terrible example for them. Thus, I don’t use yelling as a strategy with my students.

Often times, the children I work with are very black and white. The whole “grey area” concept is non-existent in their eyes. Therefore, I teach them by being their example. I role play with them as a way for them to see and feel what appropriate is. So if they see me yell, why would they not mimic me in their heated situations? The students don’t understand why I am allowed to yell, and they are not. For this, and many other reasons, I do not yell at my students.

Now I need to teach myself to practice what I preach and not yell at my own children. I am aware that yelling at them does nothing for them or me. I am not teaching them how to behave or how to be a well-rounded child; rather I am painting them a picture of a stressed-out and impatient mother. I have learned that it is a release for me when I am completely maxed out, and I used it as a personal intervention. Bad, bad, bad mommy.

As both a teacher and a parent, I aim to avoid a power struggle at all costs. Children with behavior disorders thrive on that struggle. They will do anything possible to “win”. I am ok with them winning. In fact, I often tell them they have won. This may seem weird, but once they have won, they have won. There is nothing else to fight for.This is the point when we can begin teaching and be done with the battle.

My new goal after honestly writing this entry is to not yell at my children. I know I will fumble, but I am going to make a conscious effort to eliminate this unnecessary and unproductive form of discipline. If anyone out there has replacement behavior options for me, please do share. I need to learn how to transfer my patience as a teacher into my parenting.

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They Don’t Care What You Had for Dinner

Building relationships with children is the easiest way to change behavior. Of course, this task is much easier said than done. The root of the word “relationship” is “relate”. This is where things get sticky. It is impossible to relate to a child with behavioral disorders by asking them their favorite food or color or movie. It is much more than knowing that they like soccer, had pizza for dinner and don’t like their little sister. It’s about truly getting to know them as a child. One must put their behavior and words behind them and focus on the whole child.

Building a relationship and relating with children who are so different than you is not easy. As adults, we enjoy cooking, reading magazines and silence. Kids much prefer a Happy Meal to a Filet Mignon. They think magazines are solely for creating collages in Language Arts class, and they are uncomfortable with silence.

So, how do we relate to these kids? The answer is ever changing. Trust me; I am not expert at this, nor am I even close. I know that middle school boys don’t care about my last tennis match or the fact that Blake and I made homemade sushi. They don’t care about my youngest daughter saying “cheese” for the camera for the first time or that my oldest still cries daily when I drop her off to school.

In order to relate to kids, we have to find out what makes them tick. If it is video games, then learn about the ones they like. Bring in magazines or look on the internet with them and engage in this interest. Look into their eyes, and ask them questions. Learn more than just the name of the game. Ask about the characters, the goal, and the strategy they use when they play it. This allows the student to be the teacher, and it also allows them to see that we (as teachers, parents and adults) do not know everything and we NEED them to teach us. Allowing them to be a leader increases their confidence and takes away their need for a future power struggle. It also gives us the ammo we need to distract them when they begin to meltdown.

Right now, the child I am pouring my heart and soul into is an 8th grade boy who was a gypsy on the streets of a third world country for the first 10 years of his life. By gypsy, I mean he truly wandered without parents or any consistent adult or leader. After this, he was put into an orphanage for 2 years before he was adopted by his American parents. (Side note, how awesome are they for taking on this amazing task and saving this boy’s life?)
Each morning, this young man comes into my room. We are divided by the imaginary wall of language as he speaks very little English. When I speak, he reminds me that he doesn’t know what I am saying. Rather than giving up, I use visuals to communicate. I smile at him. I look into his eyes and tell him I am proud of him, while non-verbally opening my eyes wide with affirmation and giving him a thumbs up so he knows that I am pleased with his presence. I will create a bond with this child before he walks out of my school, this I promise you.

I have been working with him for one month now and his behavior has improved greatly. He was struggling with showing respect for authority figures and following classroom rules. Sure, he works on a behavior contract with me which helps, but I truly feel like the main behavior changer for him is to know he can come to me in the afternoon, and I will do all I can to tell him how proud I am of him. I truly love this child and he knows this.

I am finding a way to relate to him without the use of English language. I know what he likes, and I know what he doesn’t like. He knows that he can come to me when the world around him seems surreal. Can you imagine wandering the unpaved streets of your country day in and day out searching for food and fighting your way through life, and then ending up in a very affluent suburban town outside of Atlanta? Imagine having never stepped foot into a school and then walking into a school with flat screen photo displays on the walls, iPads in classrooms, and necklace microphones on teachers for a more clear delivery of the Dichotomous Key, Algebra, or Southeastern Asian Economics lessons. I would imagine that following directions and respecting said microphone accessory-wearing teachers would be a lot to ask.

After talking to his “dad” the other day, I learned that my little gypsy enjoys talking to me more than his outside therapist. When I asked his dad why he said this, his dad told me that my little gypsy thinks I am “real”. BINGO! My heart melted.

So, relate with these kids. Learn who they are. Learn what motivates them. Let them be leaders. Look them in the eyes. Touch them. Let them feel your love. They thrive on love and consistency. Their behavior has become their crutch to obtain your attention, and they can’t differentiate the positive and negative form of attention. Feed them with positive attention and get to know these kids. They are normal children who have been jaded by their impulsivity that they can’t control without you to teach them. Can you RELATE?